


mes mains

by orphan_account



Category: Personal - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-08-17 11:39:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 7,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16515731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 2018 - 2019. junior year. d.j.s





	1. i always like how your hands looked.

through tonight, i’ve had more affection than i’ve had in the past six months.

you slept on my chest in the car, fingers pressed tightly between my collarbones. only she had touched there before. it, felt unnatural to have someone between my arms again. cheek pressed against forehead. glasses cutting into my freckled covered cheekbone.  
i love you, neon haired twin.

we shared a coffee pot, i gave you my rock. you said you would cherish it. i pulled your jacket to keep you back as we both huddled outside in the cold waiting for the others in the gift shop. i ate your spare crepe and ran outside with you to grab our friend’s mod.   
i love you, flower eating friend. 

we laughed and i watched as you held hands with them the entire time. i’m glad you like them too, i just hope you two finally ask each other out. you both deserve some happiness. thank you for letting me feel affection and love through homecoming game. thank you for letting me kiss someone else than just her and him.  
i love you, second neon haired twin.  
i also love you, my korean mom who is only two years older than me.

it was the first time in weeks, if not months that we’ve hung out, much less talked. i hugged you and almost cried on your shoulder. i’m crying right now as i write this because i’ve been so alone of late. we held hands all through the dinosaur exhibit and chased after you when you couldn’t handle the noise. i missed you so much. we need to have another sleepover nan.   
i love you, my numb space heater.

im shaking. i’ve had three cups of black coffee, two sugars each with bennet. im cold. im sobbing to my favorite flatsound and sorority noise tracks. god i love them. seems like the most tragic music make me feel something other than what i do. im a fucking mess and i don’t know how you guys still put up with me.

you won’t have to for long.


	2. shine on, diamond.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck!

i feel on fire right now. 

god, i wish i could feel this good all the time. even the thought of her with whoever they are couldn’t fucking take me down. 

it was a good day indeed.  
fuck that. a good week already.

she sat next to me. christ. fuck. god. her blue hair, cyan filling my peripheral as we took what was the easiest test of my entire life. it was legit five minutes and i was done. we didn’t talk, which was a bummer but whatever. she won’t ever be mine, but whatever. im gonna soak this up until she leaves because truly it’s fantastic. i fucking love when i get serotonin from this dysfunctional brain.

i’m going to thescon. literally, im so lucky. mo allowed me. wally allowed me. i just gotta pay them by december which when i get some hours it’s sea breeze from there.  
and, god im a mess. of course it’s another woman. and of course, they have to be rooming with me for the trip.

and to specifically her if you ever read this, isn’t ironic her name is elly? i had a fuckin laughing fit over that raking that fact in my bed. i hate myself for it but hey, guess you can now say that i like someone that’s like your sister. you always teased me about that. truly fuck you on that. i’m not sorry.

but back to her, she has a jaw that could cut me worse than i ever could almost eleven months ago now. she’s got red honey coloured hair like i do, just more, floof?

it’s great.  
women are great.

im surprised.  
alex trusts me. like, we talk as friends and he doesn’t view me as an inferior. as annoying. as, what i am usually viewed as.  
he’s truly great, im glad that i could ever have the chance to interact with him. 

but no, this is the first time in a while that i’m not half drunk on sleep while writing. im going to go play team fortress two. thanks for getting me into that alex. you jerk.


	3. i buried you a month or two ago.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gn

it’s november eighteenth. 

i guess i still feel good. it’s something surprising that i still do. break has something to do with that. 

i found a new artist, she’s so gay. my favorite song is talia by king princess. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43n1wghXRGM it’s great. the bottom in me is t h r i v i n g.  
i need to get dicked down by a cute girl already. my libido is actually screaming at the lack of sex. it’s shown in my writing that no one will ever see because ew :/

i might ask jen out. i liked her last year something hardcore before annie came into the picture and jen got a job. i dunno, she rejected bennet but she sent signals last year so i don’t know. she has a car now. i’m going to a bonfire with her tomorrow. 

i shouldn’t rush into a relationship too soon though. im still, working things though. i thought i had my life together and suddenly i don’t. im thinking of joining the military maybe. im thinking of killing myself. i don’t know. there seems to be no future that is satisfactory.

why do you want me up there so much god? im aware i don’t really believe in you but whenever life gets shit apparently i go to you. i prayed for a reason to stay, and you took her away to another. paul. of course. the cunt that i comforted when his shitty abusive ex broke up with him.  
of course he had to do that. whatever anymore. there is no point. i’ve given up.  
i guess im glad that im out of school right now because there’s no telling what i would do if i saw him in session. his little smug face. i should have known when he smiled at me like that.

i feel like shit now. it’s november nineteenth now. just past midnight. 

i feel like relapsing.  
i might.  
what does it matter on ten months.  
it’s just a number.  
just like the amount of times you broke up with me.  
do you keep count? i can’t.

go fuck yourself.  
seriously.  
there are so many things i want to say, to explain to you. 

you made me suffer through three years now. of only you. i’ve given up others, in hope of you. you’ve dated three different fucking men because apparently you don’t care. just for them to break your heart and then suddenly you want me back. shut the fuck up. seriously.  
i can already hear you building a counter.  
shut the fuck up.  
i wish for you to see. to open your eyes at what you’ve left.  
i loved you. i love you. god, you never understand fucking anything on that. how much i’ve given you that i wish you gave back. not even money. 

i wish that you loved me back as much as i loved you. because then we wouldn’t be here. the two of us utterly hating each other. 

i wish that you didn’t view me as a second option. after all, that’s all i am. after noble left you, you came back. and im sure, again you’ll do me as a another option when whatever happens. 

i wish you could see that i tried killing myself last winter. just after my mom left for ohio in january. i didn’t take enough. i wish that i did. 

i wish i didn’t feel like this anymore. high, low, high, low, high, fucking depressed. 

whatever anymore. i’ve been crying for an hour now.  
zack’s voice feels distant.

i’m going to bed.


	4. cutting my fingers off.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :>

i feel like stealing some of my dad’s weed. i feel like breaking into a bottle of liquor at my mom’s. neither of them will really notice.  
anything to fuck my mind up and get out of it for even a short while. that’s life. fuck being straight edge at this point. it doesn't matter when your mental health is already shit.

winter feels like that. seasonal depression with BPD is a bitch. you don’t get a free day. when you do it’s only a short while. something’s always off. but that’s all the time i guess.

i’m listening to turnover. they make such pretty sounds. maybe i’ll listen to them when i kill myself. go to the soft sounds of distorted guitar and harmony.  
alex really likes them after my recommendation. we have a strange taste in music that is so similar. he also likes blink 182 a lot. still living in his edgy teenage years. edgelord. jen likes blink too. everyone likes blink. i like blink. first date brings me back to 2015. i don’t enjoy that song as much these days.  
every song from 2015 and 16 makes me remember stuff i don’t want to. it’s better to live ignorant. 

i’ve learned that it’s best to live like that.  
it allows my river of a brain to avoid flooding. i like it.

i can’t stop writing tonight. i can’t fall asleep. eyes red and taste of salt lingering on my lips. this is the first night in a while that it’s been like this. december. that’s the last time i did this. chain writing. 

last time i did this i gained more scars. 

izzy is trying to comfort me. she’s the only one i’ve told about recent. she told me to not give up on her now. that she’s pissed too. i told her i’m just numb to it. she had a crush on me last year. she has the same birthday as her. the twelfth. fucking aquariuses. i hate falling for them. annie was older than her. the fifth. i still remember math that day. that rainbow bear from toys r us. 

she told me i look good in blue. it makes me look nice. she really liked that shirt. i still really like her. it’ll never happen. she’s with her best friend. im happy for her. she deserves happiness. i stopped wearing that shirt. it’s somewhere. she didn’t like it when i wore it with her. she never liked me or my style. filler.

that’s me. filler. the pillow fluff that eventually gets too compact and thrown away.  
god i sound edgy as fuck. whatever. im only trickling at this point.

im shirtless and blood is starting to scab on my shoulder.  
it’s just me scratching. i have so many scabs around my body from random things. it’s only a little blood. it’s cold in my room.

i like nights like this. my mind is silent. only one thought at once. im so jittery. so anxious. all the time.

i need someone. schwab told me, that to love someone i shouldn’t think of myself as one half needing another half. it should be one to one. but, i’ve never felt full except when im giving myself all to another. stepping stone. 

i’ve talked to alex on this. although i don’t remember much, i remember him telling me he went through this before. he gives me hope these days. he gives me hope that maybe i’ll make it out alive and happy. he gives me hope that i can find someone after her. someone who loves me as much as i love them. 

he calls her love all the time. it’s sweet. he’s come to me for advice, or at least someone to listen, once before. as if i had any advice to give, but it was nice. he trusted me. they’re truly compatible. i hope life works out for them. they deserve it if anything.

i really do feel numb right now. blackbear is on now. she liked his music. i don’t know if she still does. what does it matter. she doesn’t care about me. she never did these past years. god.

as if, “i will make you love me again” meant anything. i’m stupid for falling for that. her apology. who knows if it was fake. it doesn’t matter really, it’s over now. she always falls for another. i guess i don’t feel bad about flirting with annie when i was going with her last year anymore. 

she was probably flirting with someone else as well anyways. she didn’t care. she never did.   
just keep repeating that and it’s true.  
goodnight.


	5. do you feel me, are you with me? yeah, yeah.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Wnj3LBFabU

it’s morning now. i talked to you last night. 

it’s been over a year since we’ve sat down and actually talked like we used to. i could barely keep my eyes and ears open listening to you ramble. it was three am when i finally went to sleep from epass. thank the god i got into that. maybe i’ll graduate.

you kept asking the dumbest questions, hypothetical nonsense like you used to. you never changed. i wish i could say the same back and enjoy them like i used to. 

zack was supposed to join. i would have felt better with him there, but he fell asleep. you told him that we dated. god i was so pissed at you for that. i still am. but you needed healing and closure. that was it for you. 

i’m sorry i hurt you david. the first time i’ve ever heard you cry was that summer night in 2015. you weren’t even mad at me like i expected. you accepted it and told me that you’d be here if i ever needed you. i wonder where i got that from, now i see. 

you asked if i missed you, missed us. your voice lowered and tired from lack of sleep. i couldn’t form an answer because to an extent i do. you did nothing but treat me with the utmost respect and love and i left. i guess i’ve been deserving this shitstorm with her as karma. 

you had a new girl while we were gone. little ram. you called her. it was sweet, i’m glad you managed to move on. i told you the update about my ex. you called her a cunt and that i deserve better. god how the tables have turned on that. first her being fed up with you and now you being fed up with her. exes never have good history. i’m thankful to know that now. it makes me feel less shit about hating her current boyfriend and that cockhead she dated last year. 

but this isn’t about her. i’m frankly sick of talking about her to you. you're the only other person that knows everything that happened than kendall. she’s gone. mostly at least. seems that she always wants to make me suffer, going for a guy in my school. i hope this is a fucking shit way to get back at me because he’s probably going to end up with knuckles dug into his disgusting smile. 

faggot.

anyways, i’m really into dragon age: origins right now and i'm making my elf lesbian with a witch it’s fantastic. i’m gonna go play that.


	6. don't say it at my funeral. say it to me now.

nov 26 18

happy 3 years, I guess. thanksgiving hasn't been the same since then.  
  
I'm on the bus right now, just gave a guy some money for a hotel room. I hope he gets one. he's sleeping with his girl right now.  
  
I'm shaking, and I'm not sure if it's from the cold or just me. I hate when my body tenses like this. last year it never stopped. I couldn't ride the bus without feeling like I was going to puke. I stopped eating. it solved that.  
  
I'm going to Ohio friday morning. 3 am. I hope to see how pretty the lights are. god they are so pretty from the ground.  
  
I've read Eleanor and Park again. every year I read it once or twice. it reminds me of better times. it gives me the heart to love again. maybe I will love someone again. maybe someone will love me again.  
  
maybe someone will love me and I don't have to be afraid.  
  
I wasn't afraid with you. not until the first time.  
love is shit. you feel so safe the first time it happens. I wish I never wasted that feeling on you.  
  
I'm gonna stop, I don't want to cry on the bus tonight. kota just asked me what happy three years meant. I'm gonna let him find out himself.

Nov 27 18

finally got the message passed on. at times like this, i wish i didn't tell Izzy. but at the same time, im glad she defused the situation down to the point i don't feel like im gonna fucking break his jaw. he showed his face again today, and earned a glare that even i, didn't know i could give.  
  
three people backed me on what i said back to him, izzy just saying sorry in the end.  
  
im sorry to her. im sorry im filled with rage now, just tumbling as i try and heal myself. im making excuses. there was no reason for me to be the way i was. but i always think that.  
  
it's not his fault. it's hers. she's aiming to hurt me it seems. i don't have energy for this with her anymore. i wish to just laydown and accept it. let her run over and break my back once again.  
  
i made a joke about killing myself today, right next to madi. she gave me a small look from the corner of my eye. i wish i could talk to her. im mustering all  my courage to even ask for her ig.  
  
pathetic. that's all i am. i go off at friends, simple miscommunications, people i like, people i loved.  
  
when i succeed in killing myself, don't mourn me.


	7. honey, on your knees when you look at me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god help us all.

and today, the sun was brighter than normal.  
strength filling my arms and back as i pound on my chest and stretch in alex's office.  
warmth shining on my sweatered back.  
sweetness.  
i feel like a preacher. fucking evangelist.  
  
i no longer listen to the lumineers and think of the night with her, wrapped in my arms. i think of the beauty in my gym class. i think of her shaved head walking next to me all the time. christ...  
  
it's not just madi although.  
it's all the girls. they all treat me like a sister, haley, lexi, all of them. this gym class is easily the best thing to have happened to me this year.  
  
even final freheit. even that september 22nd and the aftermath. even march 16th. none of them compare.  
  
they don't care that im fat, or im a wreck. that i don't run as fast as all them on the floors. they tell me to keep going. family. I'm going to miss them all dearly.  
  
today.  
god, i walked home with a smile on my face. its.. been a while since I've done that. someone on my mind, not making me wish for a way out, but a way in.  
  
madi.  
god, I've gone on about her so much but wow. simply, wow.  
she kept staring at me in class today, watching me as i tore muscles in my back trying to impress her. we are all animals, peacocks, bucks, all the same. trying to impress cute girls.  
she dyed her hair blonde. she's so cute. so, breathtaking.  
  
i sang on the way home. that's how happy i was. it's been over three months since I've sang while walking. it was peaceful being able to reach the low notes again. listening to crywank, thinking about buying a bass or restringing my guitar. writing a little anger song.  
  
listen to i am shit by crywank. that and perfect by ed. to sum up how i feel, I'm confused. but smitten.  
  
even anger didn't prevail today. i hope this means the beginning of acceptance. maybe it's something to do with not using Snapchat and Instagram anymore. staying away from, "thanks Paul for all the photos!!!!" from her friends. I'm tempted to block them too. it's not their fault at all if i do. healing is a bitch.  
  
she's a bellend.  
  
i gotta wake up at 3 am, catching the flight over to ohio at 6. such pretty lights. tsa is going to be dead at 4. I'll write more on the flight.  
  
"heaven help the fool who falls in love."  
  
dear heaven above, help me.  
your angel has fallen again.


	8. they're shooting jumpers with jesus, mary, and joseph.

it’s december 8th now. uh, i just got back from thescon and i don’t think im going to go next year. i’ve found that after three days of high pitch screaming and learning all about how many load units and addresses you can have on a dmx connection to lighting- i don’t want to go again. 

it’s still pretty early, and im kinda a good mood.  
i hit a pretty bad spot of where i just shut down during the conference. the noise was too much. i hate sleeping next to another person too. it’s good im single.

im cold. i should put my sweats back on. whatever, i’ll be asleep soon.

i’ve taken a hold on social media, and it’s been rather kinda, shit. i’ve been in all states between ohio and colorado and downtown in the matter of a week. there’s not been a chance to relax and i’ve snapped so often to people. i’m sorry to them.

at least i don’t check in on her social media every other day because of her friend.   
i might start clearing myself entirely of them.

i thought about her for a little while sleeping next to devon. i listened to the lumineers and cried until two am. it was nice to feel emotion for a second before tightening myself back up again.   
i, as much as i don’t want her back, i miss her.  
i feel alone. drifting from friend to friend. nothing is stable. again.   
she allowed me to have firsts that im afraid to attempt with others. she allowed me to live young and like i knew nothing. i wish i didn’t know anything about her even if it meant losing all the other things. it would allow me to move on. to live without pain.

uh, i’ve.. been thinking a lot. and i don’t think im going to make it to graduation. im not going to make it to my seventeenth birthday either if so. i think march or late february is when it’s going to happen. i don’t want my dad to crumble apart during christmas. i think the 26thish, like i was going to do during eighth grade year, sounds best. the time where nothing important goes on.

there is nothing to be here for. everyone moves on, everyone lives their own life and if i can go with knowing that i never affected anyone’s life and they carried on, i will go happy. if i can go with knowing that there won’t be a bang, i will go.

 

i guess im back at square one.  
madi is gone, so is the others.   
everyone leaves.  
progress is useless when you get told to go back every other week.   
i don’t know.  
i’m so sorry.


	9. thank u, next.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the end, and im actually going to end all things here for pretty much indefinitely. i have no motivation to write anymore and my writing is shit anyways.

hey, i guess this is one last letter to you. maybe. i dunno, probably second to last, it’s late right now and i wanted to write to you. i dunno if you’ll see it, i don’t really care at this point. i know you don’t. but it gives me peace of mind knowing that i’m able to just put me out there. 

 

you really fucked me up, and i don’t mean that in the ‘i love you’ sense. i mean, i don’t think im cut out to love another, it’s only infatuation. you’re the only person i’ve really loved and now you’re gone. it’s terrifying to even think about someone else really. i dunno, i feel like im standing on the edge of a pool trying to dive but i still don’t know how to dive or swim and fuck i just really want to feel the cold against my skin in this blaze. 

 

i’m burnin’ up darling. i’ve been so fucking pissed and so fucking manic in these passing months and i don’t see and end until i hit that low and plummet. 

 

i’ve been pissed at you, and i’m not saying that you deserve it or that you don’t. you are literally fucking one of my old friends these days, you’ve broken up with me too many times to remember now, you’ve treated me like shit just because you can’t handle your heart, and you used me. you.. god, i’m tired of you. 

 

your friends all hate me except for kota, you showed them all those messages because that’s just who you are. spreading shit when you start it. i hold my ground behind most of my words in the messages too.albeit i could have been less vengeful but at the same time, that was the first time i’ve ever stood up to you. and it felt good to have a backbone, to not stand for the same shit because let's be honest, if i didn’t tell you to not come back, you would have. that’s us. the fucked up couple who just uses each other to get off in life. 

 

i don’t forgive you. i can’t anymore because this is you. this is what you do. remember when you had love still in your heart? remember middle school?

 

i can’t really say i love you without sounding like a dick right? probably. 

i do love you though, i still do. and that’s what is making this so hard to go through and write and deal with and live with. i still think there is a text from you every morning, and it’s not there anymore. i don’t have a reason to keep my phone on me or charged. pity oh me with my first world problems. 

 

you’re probably laughing at this with sarah or your other dead-end legacy friends (trust me, now at the tech school i’ve met some of those kids and they’re all the same. rich young druggies/alcoholics like yourself that never get in trouble for it. your parents are oblivious as shit and it's gonna catch up one day) calling me shit and edgy. at least i can make you laugh or cringe or whatever for the moment. 

 

have fun making fun of me, it seems like the most you thing you’d do these days. 

 

anyways, i’m going to bed. what you do from here is whatever. 


	10. you wear that type of lace that gets me red all in my face

good january.

 

i’m still not entirely sure on who i’m writing these pieces to, but alas i just want to get it out. it’s nice to speak sometimes without being judged. venting to an empty cosmos with the comfort of it being just… there. nothing in return.

 

i don’t really have anything to say. i’ve got some friends. i got a lover. two. it’s a nightmare right now. but i think i might go for her if things don’t work out with the lady i’m courting right now. i dunno. 

 

two weeks ago i almost got hospitalized. i had a mental break, snapping off and i almost thought that day would be it. the thoughts were like static that just increased in volume. they shook my head, made it real fuzzy in there. all i could keep repeating to my mom was, ‘it doesn’t matter.’ she ended up taking me into a crisis therapist and they were quite nice. i don’t quite wanna die anymore. i still don’t see a future but i don’t know. we’ll see when i get across that road.

 

i got a lip piercing. it’s nice. nothing to really say on that. i wanna kiss someone with the ring put in. god, that sounds mighty nice right now. i can’t wait until i’m old enough that having casual sex with someone and going home is okay. or at least having it in my car. i need a car. fuck.

 

anyways, i got school. i’m already late but whatever. 

 

awfultune has been on repeat for this month. she makes me feel like i have a future, amidst the past written in her lyrics. 

 

_ in time you will be fine. _

is a really powerful one right now, the way she says it with the background too. god. beautiful.

 

but truly, 

_ i have a lover and i have a best friend. _

_ i hope you listen to this. _

gives me power. i hope my ex is listening to this occasionally. i hope she regrets what she’s done sometimes. but also, i hope not. it’s made me into a more secure and powerful person. 

 

so thank you. bitch. 


	11. you're the sunflower

good morning. technically, yeah? 

 

i’m running off of what’s left of my energy so i’m probably going to crash soon but uh, i wanted to write to you. it’s kinda silly. i’m really sweaty right now. imma open my window real quick.

 

but yeah.. bennett. 

 

i guess i gotta own up to it. being the raging bull dyke i am. i like you, and you’ve probably already seen that. it came to me like a fucking train, it’s laughable how quick it happened. 

 

one second i was sat with you in that movie theater and then the next suddenly i felt myself leaning more into your arm than i was the film. i thought about it when you went to the restroom. i thought about your laugh, your cute bright eyes, your obsession with comic shows and such. your family and how warm their emotions were towards me. and it clicked. 

 

one second i was your friend. the next i started to like you. it’s been growing over the past couple days and i feel utterly lost as to what to do about it. 

 

you’re going to college next year and i’m not gonna see you again after that. probably for a while. 

 

for tonight anyways, i’m gonna bask in these feelings. i’ll talk to you tomorrow and i’ll fight to buy you everything because you do the same. 

 

i hope you like me too. but also i don’t. it would be better if we stayed apart. i don’t want another heartbreak. 


	12. i don't wanna sext you, i don't wanna bless you

where am i?

 

i feel like floating right now.

i dunno.

maybe i’m just fucked, maybe i’m just realizing the nature of it. maybe i’m losing all my friends this way, maybe i’ll lose her this way. and her. and them. and my job. 

i went to go see a therapist. they didn’t help. i only felt more fucked. more uncertain of a future i don’t think i will live to see. 

 

even my mom thinks i’m a fuck up. even the roommate. my ex, add on to the list. probably even alex after all this past bit. teal. anyone. 

 

it’s going to be hard to leave. he was the only good thing about that fucking school and now i’m just out nude in another. i feel like a crisis right now. fuck. 

 

i have no one anymore. no one to fucking live for. i should just do it. stop being a fucking pussy. 

 

my fucking head is so FUCKING LOUD. 

 

fucking bts. all these memories of her. all these memories of what i lost from that november.

i look at myself now and i don’t even understand how it got this bad. how i grew up so fast over three years. even compared to last year. i had innocence and not thoughts of always just ending it tomorrow. yknow? 

 

and now my mom is calling me a piece of shit. lovely. 

 

i just want to be dead. i just want to be gone. i don’t want to feel and i don’t want to burden anyone anymore. yknow?

 

i’m gonna do it. i’m gonna fucking do it. 

there is no reason for me to stay. none. absolutely nothing.

 

but this doesn’t matter right? i’ll just wake up tomorrow realizing what i do have and repeat a whole week later this same exact stance. 

 

the crisis counselor told me suicide is mainly a heat of the moment action. an impulse. not always planned or goes to plan.

 

i guess she’s right because i got so close that last time. what’s stopping me from actually doing it the next? when i really just fucking snap? maybe i’ll have my own pills that time. 

 

_ i thought of you somewhere in new mexico _


	13. shine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23.18

huh. 

well, it's the 23rd of february. i haven't really written since a little while ago. back in january i think, i dunno. it's been a fucking nightmare since the last time i had time to sit down and type. 

a lot of shit has happened and i dunno if i can remember it all. it's all hectic inside this little space i'm living in. i'm no longer spread along two houses or a school halfway across the state but now confined to a space with unknown rebels and new hallways. new paths in these neurons. new steps along sidewalks. 

let's go back to about a month to two weeks ago. about that i think. my mom told me that i'm done going to horizon. it was obvious that nothing was being done with how little i was going to school and she was fed up with it. i was too to an extent. you can only go so long with this shit of jumping a good twenty to thirty miles on bus a day and well... apparently two years was my breaking point. i completely shut down and basically couldn't even get the muscle movement to wake up and move ten feet. even for fuckin work. jesus.   
that was february 7th. 

february 12th was her birthday. and her's. i gave izz a bunny and two dark chocolate on the 11th since i wouldn't see her that 12th. we had a date for the 14th. for once on the 12th i didn't think of grace. its also funny, i've gained the courage to use her name without wincing anymore. heh, god. it feels weird. 

february 14th. i went up, met with izz at 8th to just learn and talk with her. she's a lovely being, truly. but he of course, just picks always the worst moments to fucking be alive. fucking paul. the prick. no matter how fucking nice he tries to be i'll never forgive him for this shit. i don't know, don't care if they're still dating. you don't date a friend's ex. you dump that shit as soon as it happens.  
i ended up leaving and going to the field when she forgot about me. cried in the winter air feeling my jaw and knuckles lock up. a joyful time really. i really should have just gone to alex's but i don't want to cry in front of him. he doesn't deserve what i've got going on with my life impacting his. it already fucking sucked leaving so suddenly. i really miss him. he was the only one who fucking listened these past months. 

she flaked for the 4th time.

i ended up spending the day not alone although.

brendan.  
he spent the day with me. simon too. their twin brother and younger sister. we went out to go get chinese food and i busted a fat 50 that night. there was no regrets. brendan kicked me in the side of the head. i probably have a concussion. maybe. who knows. i don't care. truly. he made my night something that otherwise i would have just spent alone again. playing apex and masturbating.  
it's funny how the sister looked like grace. i even laughed and told her:  
"i'm really sorry if i keep staring at you, you just look strangely familiar to my ex."  
of which, everyone laughed and agreed around that small table when i showed them a picture. i should probably delete them. who cares about that. i never find them anyways.

i started school the 18th. i met two lesbians. audi and angel. they don't really talk to me, but audi seems to have kinda accepted me being there. i'm the whitest kid in that fuckin school i swear. horizon did me dirty preparing me for this shit. king dyke back down to a loser in an art class. i've taken to drawing quite a bit. edgar seems to like me as his student, but acknowledges that im a fucking dumbass when it comes to drawing. i hate everything i produce there. there's a cute girl there though. choker, short black hair, high cheekbones. that little hispanic swing in her step and actions. huh.

everyone there talks about sex and hooking up like it's something just,, done. normal. i smile and nod, knowing i've only ever done it with her and god if i could go back and change it i would. that wasn't the best of me there. i was anxious and young. fuckin only fifteen. albeit, the kids down here seem to be doin it since middle. god. 

i bought tickets to the 1975.   
i'm going to bed.  
tomorrow i hang with friends. and so begins a new depressive episode.

gang shit.


	14. i don't ever want to leave, i'll watch you sleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 00.37

last night. huh. that, was fun. 

 

it was the first time i saw you in a week and i had already missed you dearly. your snarky remarks, your hair, your weird obsession with seventeen again. god. i yelled bitch at you when you got out of work to get into the car. you smiled and snapped your hands down in feigned anger. 

 

we hot-boxed the car up on the hill. lady gaga. my prison outfit. chick-fil-a. nan, nigh. you, me. i felt so guilty for staying over last night due to distance. i’m so sorry i’m a wreck.

 

i can never sleep a full night and we talked about this. my twitches and sleeptalking. i woke up multiple times, shifting my head closer to yours and from stomach to side. you slept on the couch because of your room giving you guilt. one day i’ll help you clean it up. help you finish those projects. it’ll be our project.

 

i held your hand during the movie a bit. more as a joke, but it made my chest warm and face seize with rushing blood. absolutely sickening, but god i live for it.

 

prom is coming. i hope that maybe we can dance together at the aquarium. you’ll show me old show tune dances, i’ll show you modern dances. we’ll make our exes jealous with the smiles on our faces and shimmies in our steps. you make my life a good time. you’re a good influence to me.

 

even though it might never happen and you probably will never see me the same as mine, it’s nice having a second thought there. thinking of your face instead of school and the anxieties of new friends. daydreaming of our past actions. the  _ thought _ of you makes me breathless when that happens.

 

“i don’t wanna be your friend i wanna kiss your lips”

 

you’re the complete opposite to me, but at the same time you’re not. 

you make my life feel a pine green opposed to a lavender.

you make my head fuzzy.

 

college is going to be rough. losing you. dealing a whole year without your chubby cheeks and desire to be a damned top. who’s gonna make me blush with a simple brush of shoulders?

 

i’m the better top tho, you gotta admit that hun. 

 

i’m rambling and i’m tired. i do this with everyone, but it’s weird with you. i know it’s a doomed case but god im still fucking falling.

 

anyways, one day i hope you might see this. may it have gone one way or another. 

thank you for being a friend. thank you for being a love. thank you. i like you.


	15. look me in the eyes girl, we aren't the same.

11.47

 

it’s a wednesday. i haven’t been to school in a week. i’ve been actually sick, but also faking sick. my parents ignore me when i tell them why i actually don’t wanna go so, might as well.

 

it’s thursday now. i can’t move my muscles very well these days. im so lethargic. tired. exhausted.  

 

i’ve punched about five walls this month so far, my anger getting out of control. my dad kicked me out of the house. one, two. my mom won’t acknowledge that counseling isn’t gonna fix my fuckin mind. three. apex. four. mental breakdown. five. 

 

i went to a concert with bennett and jen. god, the woman next to me was hitting on me until i told her i was 16. i checked in with bennett every three second to make sure they were okay, jen did her own thing. the weathers. overstreet. ariana and the rose. the drummer was cute for overstreet, bennett and i cheesed the entire time. the weathers’ bassist asked me if i rode motorcycles after looking at my sweatshirt. god im fucking awkward with bands. same thing with cigs after sex, i was absolutely awkward. all i hold is shame engaging with others.

 

i don’t know, or even really care if i’ve mentioned it before, but i think i really like bennett. their geeky little personality, their stature, how they treat me like i’m not a pity case still hung on their ex. izz was a bust, her parents never let us hang out or even do anything for valentines. but bennett’s parents like me. they truly care and bennett does too. 

 

bennett cuddled me at the movies. we watched captain marvel, got coffee and meal at target, laughing and yelling all across that damn store. i fell asleep with their head next to mine, separated by a hard plush dinosaur. they make my damn heart race when i'm around them and truly bring me out. 

 

it’s like being fucking punched in the face. it’s like the kiss that finally comes in every movie after tension between the others. 

 

today was the first time in weeks that i’ve seen her face and truly even thought of her. he posted a video of her, i acknowledged that her face was hers, but there was no associations of love there. saying grace without feeling regret or anger, it was a revolution within my own cells. the coldness of them was weird. everything in my body went cold, but once again. there was nothing. continuation. it feels as though im mourning her, but its not her. the past image of her. what i knew of her. i still feel like shit whenever i think of her, but not like i used to. once again, it's like mourning without the actual death. 

 

paul broke up with her i heard too. it made me laugh upon hearing it. is that too cold of me? i think not. she’s done this shit too many times before, why should i feel regret for it anymore? i told my new friends at WR about it, and they immediately told me not to go back. no matter what, don’t. i laughed, saying that “it was the plan babey!”

 

paul still isn’t my friend. never will be either. childish, yes. but i don’t want to even fuck around with someone who does that shit. izz told me it hurts to see both of us on opposite poles like this but truly i don’t care anymore. let horizon burn, let my old paths burn. i don’t care. fuck, this is what living feels like huh? a… new start?

 

after being denied my new start until now, it feels so fucking freeing to be, free. 

i have money, a car, a good job and a crush that might like me back. its like in the video games after they wake up from a hard blast. they check their hands and fingers, everything is blurry and slow. but at the same time, absolutely speeding by. 

 

lorde, hard feelings. the end of the fucking world. it feels like that. so much, but so little packed into a quick jolt. holding hands with bennett. 

 

it’s aries season now babes. and i’m gonna make the rest of this month and april my bitch. 

 

i can’t wait for this manic state to come down and suddenly april makes me it’s bitch. 

 

:)

 

hozier is my lesbian icon, and my knuckle can’t bend fully down due to how i’ve cut it up. i’m gonna stop writing in fear of breaking it open. lets go lesbians AAAAAAAAAAAAAA


	16. the end of the fucking world.

  1. this is the end, and as much as i wish to not let this go, eventually we all need to let things die. 



 

my name is d.j. i’m in junior year as of april 1st, 2019. just a kid being thrown about in high school.

 

this piece is truly something that i’m thankful for. it allowed me to get rid of the emotions plaguing my life. from my ex, to my friends, to my crushes. all of it. all of my junior year, compiled into this. 

 

i’m not proud of it. i really am not. i don’t care for the attention either. i just needed a place to let go. that’s why i’m orphaning it now. 

 

i’m the happiest i’ve been in years. i’ve started dating my friend bennett, i’m starting to move on in my life and forgetting the people such as my ex who kept bringing me down. 

 

all the titles are lyrics to songs i seriously recommend you check out too. 

 

anyways,

no one will probably see these, but if you are. i thank you for just reading them. please check in on your friends. please make sure they are okay. my friends did, and that’s why i’m still alive. my parents too. remember why you are here. remember why you are loved and unique. 

 

you matter. your friends matter. take care of one another, and you’ll have someone to take care of you yourself. 

 

this is it i guess. truly not how i thought i’d end it, but it’s nice. <3


End file.
